


Into The Deep

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, BAMF Tony Stark, Dubious Consent, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Protective Tony Stark, References to Depression, Urban Fantasy, Vampire!Rhodey, but it has vampire Rhodey and Tony being Tony so, in regards to the relationship itself not sex, seriously it was supposed to be short and now its a huge Thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 05:02:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Tony looks at him like he’s nuts and Rhodey thinks that’s wholly unnecessary. “What the hell do you mean you have no moral qualms with murder?” he asks. Rhodey rolls his eyes because they’ve had discussions like this a million times before and it always ends the same way.“Humans, you like to think you hate murder, but you guys really, really love murder. It’s the most forgivable heinous human crime there is,” he says.





	Into The Deep

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to warn for dubious consent again, which you'll get more of why when you read it, but the warning is there on account of Tony having been kidnapped by Rhodey for food purposes. They do develop an actual relationship though, and the fact that Rhodey straight up kidnapped Tony is a whole plot point type thing so its not brushed under the rug or anything. But know that's why that tag is there before venturing in.

Tony looks at him like he’s nuts and Rhodey thinks that’s wholly unnecessary. “What the hell do you mean you have no moral qualms with murder?” he asks. Rhodey rolls his eyes because they’ve had discussions like this a million times before and it always ends the same way.

“Humans, you like to think you hate murder, but you guys really,  _really_  love murder. It’s the most forgivable heinous human crime there is,” he says and Tony’s eyes practically double in size. “What? Humans don’t care about killing people in war, they don’t care about police killing people, they don’t care if its a minority that’s been killed, they don’t care if you kill someone in self defense, they don’t care if you kill people in the name of Jesus or land expansion, they don’t care if the thing they’re killing isn’t human- lets be real here humans, don’t give a shit about murder. No one who thinks that’s a heinous crime comes up with so many flimsy exceptions to the rule. So no, like humans, I do not have moral qualms about killing people- I’m a vampire, I gotta eat. You eat cow- only reason you’re even mad about this is because you’re the cow in this situation.”

“Humans care about people being killed in all those situations!” Tony says, waving an arm around.

Rhodey gives him a  _look_. “Oh really? And since when is a vegan taken more seriously than someone who eats meat? Do people claim that pacifism is more important than war? The US military budget says ‘hell no’. People also don’t care that they’re killing the planet. Also, I’ve been hearing the same arguments about police brutality for like a  _century_  so clearly no one cares about police killing people either, not really. There you have it- humans don’t care about murder, they care when  _they_  might me murdered. I don’t  _like_  killing humans, but you probably don’t  _like_  killing the animals you eat all the time either.”

“Well... I didn’t personally kill the chicken I ate this morning,” Tony mumbles.

“So what if you didn’t, who do you think is running the slaughter house? The chickens? Humans kill animals and eat them because they taste good barbecued, I kill humans and eat them because you good milkshakes without the milk.” Tony makes a face at that and okay, Rhodey will give him that because that was a terrible analogy. Still though, while he may avoid killing humans when possible he doesn’t have much qualms about doing it. Guy has to eat- humans make the same argument with their food and only get pissed off about vampires because  _they’re_  on the menu.

Tony crosses his arms and considers him for a moment, “then why keep me around if you don’t care about killing humans?” he asks in a haughty tone like he thinks he’s going to prove something.

Rhodey shakes his head, “I don’t know if you noticed but these days there are cameras everywhere and humans have mass systems of categorization that leave trails of their existence  _everywhere_. When they go missing people notice, I can’t just go around killing them. So I find me a human in a shitty position, someone no one will care about, snatch ‘em up, make ‘em a meal. Don’t eat nearly as much as I’d like to but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. I wish y’all would go back to screaming about witches and killing the shit out of each other. Y’all left behind so many bodies all I had to do was suck a few dry. Vampire utopia.” But no, instead they got smart- or dumb, considering witches  _are_  actually real not that humans ever killed any- and they stuck cameras everywhere. 

Even their damn calling devices have cameras. Their  _children’s toys_  have cameras. Little fuckers are making it impossible for the local vampire to grab a bite to eat. He has a few friends that have started working in blood donation places to help themselves out a little. Useful, that. But Rhodey prefers his meals fresh, not packaged, hence collecting Tony. Little bastard was a lot of work but once he stopped getting into the damn cocaine he tastes good, exceptionally good actually. Most humans, they taste okay, but Tony reminds Rhodey of that time he was still human when foods tasted different and unique. Humans, they don't come in many flavors but Tony happens to be one of the rare unique ones.

“You  _do_  realize I’m the son of a millionaire, right? Like I’m terrible target for a million different reasons,” Tony points out.

Yeah, not true at all. “Your the son of a millionaire that doesn’t give two shits about you, didn’t even notice your addiction to cocaine  _or_  alcohol, and paid off everyone who came looking for you after claiming you took a vacation to Cuba. Guy is a real fuckbag. Point is you’re exactly the kind of human I was looking for and since it’s been two years I assume I did okay.” He’s run into the occasional person looking for Tony, but after so long the humans that cared about him gave up. The species has a short attention span anyways- they only care about disaster until they run out of steam and personal tragedy works the same way. Eventually they move on.

Tony slumps a little. “How do you expect me to live with someone who devalues my life?” he asks eventually.

He doesn’t devalue Tony’s life, not more than anyone devalues their food anyways. Tony is necessary to his continued existence. “Humans consistently decide they’re more important than plants and animals and they still love the plants and animals they keep,” he points out.

Tony gives him a dirty look. “I’m a  _plant_  to you?” he asks and Rhodey shrugs.

“I mean, like a complicated one, yeah. Like an orchid.”

“That... doesn’t make me feel better,” Tony says but its the tone he uses that tips Rhodey off. Like he’s disappointed, hurt. He shouldn’t be- vampires are solitary creatures, they don’t much care for company but Rhodey never gets tired of having Tony around. Sure, he’s here for food, but he’s also a friend. But Rhodey doesn’t really know how to tell him that.

*

Tony doesn’t  _get_  vampires. They’re mostly human except for their damn cold hearted and yet Rhodey still goes out of his way to make sure he’s fed well and cared for. He’d think its just because he’s a food source for Rhodey except he’s met other people in his position and they aren’t always treated so well. Typically Rhodey will out and out tell him to avoid certain vampires in an attempt to ensure he isn’t abused or hurt by them. But then he goes on about how Tony is a cow orchid or whatever so he doesn’t know what to think.

This is how he finds himself in front of the TV Rhodey hates contemplating how he ended up here when Rhodey walks through the door. Tony pokes his head over the edge of the couch and spots Natasha before sinking back down. He’s familiar with her, having met her shortly after Rhodey acquired him. She’s terribly anti social and pretty much what Tony would expect out of a vampire and she’s colder than Rhodey.

“Hey,” Rhodey says and Tony jumps. The downsides of living with a vampire: they’re fucking silent. And also they can hear everything so there went Tony’s Sunday night jerk sessions. “Here,” Rhodey says, setting a bag on his chest before taking off to do vampire things like, fuck, he doesn’t know. Plotting to take over humanity of something.

He looks at the bag and frowns. McDonalds. Rhodey usually resists feeding him fast food, claims it makes him taste strange, but Tony has always had a guilty pleasure for burgers of any kind so he reaches into the bag.

*

“You’re too nice to that human, he’s going to run off again,” Natasha tells him and Rhodey squints.

“Has it occurred to you that all your subjugates run because you keep sticking them in prison?” he asks. Tony hadn’t run because Rhodey was nice to him, he ran because that’s what scared humans do when they’ve been kidnapped. This is something he’s seen enough times to conclude that’s how humans work. He probably did the same thing when he’d been snatched by a vampire, but that was so long ago he doesn’t really remember it. Tony came around anyway, though that’s partially because he had nowhere else to go when he finally managed to sober up. Sometimes he’ll take off for awhile but Rhodey has learned not to panic, Tony always comes back now.

“What else would I do with them? Let them roam around and cause trouble like yours does?” she asks.

Dramatic- “Tony doesn’t cause trouble,” Rhodey says. “He just gets bored sometimes, he’s got a small attention span.” Since caving in and getting a damn TV he’s calmed down some, maybe because Tony has figured out how to steal other people’s WiFi too. Rhodey doesn’t care for technology and unlike Tony’s assumptions its not because he’s scared of it, he just doesn’t have a use for tech and the bright blue lights hurt his eyes.

“He’s consistently outside talking to people, you know letting them make connections means people get attached and what do you do when you need to move?” she asks.

“Tell him to suck it up. Also talking to people doesn’t mean he’s friends with them; it means he’s friendly with them. Big difference. Tony isn’t the friend type.” Or the romance type, which had surprised him some given how obsessed humans are with The One, whatever the hell that means. Tony likes the socialization, but doesn’t seem to care for the long term connections and Rhodey is more than fine with that. Connections  _do_  make things pesky even if he doesn’t really care of Tony talks to people. When humans don’t socialize they get weird.

“He’s going to cause you problems,” Natasha says and Rhodey shrugs.

“Maybe, but your solution doesn’t work much better,” he points out. “All your humans end up going nuts.” Only one that lasted was Bucky, but Rhodey thinks that’s because he was a little loopy to begin with.

“I don’t think I pick them well,” she murmurs.

“Also you keep sticking them in prison. Let them roam a bit, you know, like humans do with cats. Let them think they own the place a little and they mostly leave you alone aside from dumb debates on the morals of killing people.”

Natasha frowns, “killing people is necessary, why would we have moral qualms about it?” she asks.

“Tony told me to eat mountain lion, I think he got the idea from some dumb book humans wrote about vampires. Anyway, I told him vampires can’t subsist of animal blood and even if we could we’re still killing things.” The problem, Rhodey had reasoned, technically isn’t solved. Its just that this time its not humans being eaten and that really only proves his point that humans don’t care about murder, just if  _they_  might get murdered.

“You give your human too much time to talk- eating  _mountain lions_. What’s wrong with him?”

*

Rhodey comes home and he can smell the blood right away but humans are squishy. He’s learned not to worry because Tony probably cut himself on something he was cooking so when he walks in the door he’s surprised to find Tony sitting on the couch with his head tilted back with a towel to his face.

“What, nose bleed?” he asks. Tony gets them when the weather is dry so this isn’t unusual. Its when Tony turns to face him that Rhodey raises an eyebrow. “Who the hell did this?” he asks, walking over faster than Tony would be able to track and tilting his head to the side. That’s one hell of a nasty black eye and he knows Tony has a habit of pissing people off but it doesn’t usually end in physical altercations.

“I think I might have been a victim of a hate crime,” he says.

He doesn’t sound dazed, but that’s a strange response so Rhodey goes through a bunch of tests to ensure Tony doesn’t have a concussion. Near as he can tell Tony is fine, if shaken. “A hate crime? For  _what_?”

Tony shrugs, “being in a gay interracial relationship I guess,” he says flippantly, like he either doesn’t believe that or finds the idea stupid.

“You’re dating someone?” Rhodey asks, confused. When did that happen?

Tony rolls his eyes, “yeah, you, idiot. Someone had to explain why two grown ass men were living together and by the way if anyone asks, and they won’t because your social skills are  _shit_ , you’re a solider with an honorable discharge because someone had to explain why you suck so much with people. You have PTSD.”

Rhodey frowns. “You... gave us a back story?” he asks. “Why?”

That gets him an irritated look, “because if you’re going to live in a town of humans they’re nosey and they want to know your shit. If they don’t know what’s going on they’ll start sniffing around, especially since you act so weird and never go to the fucking grocery store.”

Tony goes is what Rhodey was going to say, but it occurs to him that Tony goes so it doesn’t look suspicious that he never seems to eat. “I’ve brought you food home before,” he says. Clearly, if humans want it, they will find evidence of food.

“Oh, like five bags of McDonalds over what, almost three years? Don’t be dumb. This is why your species is almost dead, you’re piss poor at acknowledging that you live with and trying to pass as another considerably more social and nosey species,” Tony mumbles, shaking his head.

He sighs, “get to the hate crime bit.”

Tony rolls his eyes, “shit, I don’t know. Guess some guy got pissed off about a relationship that doesn’t involve him in any way, shape, or form and decided to beat me up about it. Guess he’s lucky he didn’t run into you,” he mumbles.

Yeah, actually he’s about to.

*

Tony is trying in vain to drag Rhodey’s ass back into the house because one pissed off redneck is so not worth the trouble Tony will end up cleaning up later. Of course Rhodey shakes him off easily because he’s a damn vampire and Tony is human and also weakened at the moment. “Can you not? No one beats anyone up over their orchid getting messed with,” he points out. If he’s going to be a plant he’ll embrace being a plant.

Rhodey turns and gives him a shockingly poisonous look that Tony knows isn’t directed at him, not really. “Oh I happen to know humans take violence against their pets very seriously and you’re not a pet, you’re a companion and I’m not going to let some asshat mess with you.”

He sighs, “I mean, I lost a lot of blood, you could probably lick the towel,” he reasons earning another dirty look. 

“That’s disgusting and not the problem here,” he says.

“Okay you know what, I’m not a cow you can go shoot coyotes over- leave the guy be,” he says, trying again to drag Rhodey back but it’s still in vain.

Because Rhodey  _insists_  on leaving messes for Tony to clean up he follows Rhodey out and down the road so he can at least be an eye witness to this and work damage control later. Best to know what happened first hand so he can tell a convincing lie later.

Unfortunately, or fortunately for Rhodey, Brian happens to be outside and, in a last ditch attempt to save Brian Tony tries to pull Rhodey back. He ends up being dragged along for a few feet before he gives up and leaves Brian to his hopefully not fatal fate. Rhodey  _did_  choose this town for the lack of cameras even if they’re still sort of everywhere. “Um,” Tony says, trying to think of a warning for Brian before Rhodey is a dark blur for a moment before he’s got Brian by the neck and Tony runs over.

“You don’t even know if that’s the right human!” he yells.

“Is it?” Rhodey asks, Brian dangling from his hand.

He looks at Brian, who looks as panicked as any reasonable human would be in his circumstances, and back to Rhodey. “No,” he lies.

Rhodey rolls his eyes, “you’re a shit liar. And  _you_ ,” he says to Brian, “Confederate flag wearing fuck- if you  _ever_  even look at Tony sideways again I will give you a  _damn_  good taste of what your people used to do to mine back in the day.” With that he tosses Brian aside like a rag doll and Tony sighs because that’s going to be tough to explain but Brian’s wiggling at least indicates he’s not dead.

*

“Good news,” Tony tells him, grocery bags in hand. Yes, the humans knowing that Tony eats and therefore they do not suspect him of being a vampire  _is_  good news but then Tony continues and Rhodey realizes that’s not the news. “Turns out Brian took your comment to mean lynching black people, not staking vampires. Also he’s a known exaggerator so ‘tossed me like a rag doll’ became ‘shoved him pretty good.’ Even better news: I’m friends with the sheriff’s wife and he happens to have a gay niece so he nor his wife took kindly to his shitty actions. Your welcome for staving off an arrest- try eating in prison.”

Yeah, he’d do fine in prison. He wouldn’t like it any, but he’s plenty old enough that he can go a long time without feeding- its the young ones that need constant food. That said he does not like the idea of not eating for long periods of time, its uncomfortable. “I uh... thanks? Next time tell me when stupid humans have a problem with you,” he says, turning back to the Sudoku in the newspaper.

Tony stares at him like he’s nuts, he can see it out of the corner of his eye. “You ungrateful shit, you know how many asshole small town cops would have done worse than arrest you?”

“Bullets will do little more than make me uncomfortable, Tony,” he says and Tony sets his bags down. He reaches into one, roots around for a moment, and comes up with something that he tosses at Rhodey. He catches it, obviously, long before it hits his head and Rhodey has to commend Tony on his aim. He wrinkles his nose when the slime drips down his hand- egg. Gross. “Was that necessary?” he asks and Tony rolls his eyes.

“You’re damn right it was. Why are you so insistent that you ruin all my plans?” he asks.

Ruin all his- why is Tony so damn dramatic all the time? “Tony, I haven’t ruined anything. All I’ve done is exist in a way that’s apparently wrong and protect you. Frankly, you’re the ungrateful one,” he says.

Tony throws another egg at him and is just as unsuccessful in hitting him with it as the first time. “ _Fuck_  you Rhodey, you kidnapped me and you expect me to be  _grateful_!”

“I ensured you were sober and that you’re fed well so yeah,” he says. “Also I stole your inheritance from your father.”

That seems to throw Tony for a loop more than anything. “What the... whe-  _how_?” he asks, baffled.

He rolls his eyes, “contrary to what you might think I am not actually bad with technology. Actually I have a knack for it, but rarely actually need it. So I hacked into his bank account and took the money. It’s rightfully yours anyways,” he points out. Also he doesn’t like Howard.

That doesn’t seem to stop Tony from looking utterly confused so Rhodey waits it out, knowing Tony will tell him eventually. He’s right, because a few moments later Tony is shuffling closer. “You’re telling me you hacked into one of the most technologically advanced systems in the  _world_  and you barely know how to work the TV?” he asks, frowning. “That doesn’t compute.”

“Its not the damn TV that confuses me, its the weird satellite system- its completely inefficient and I don’t understand the channels like you seem to. And also television is for leisure only, there was no point in me learning how to channel surf. Computers though, and banks? Practical- any modern vampire needs to know how to work important human systems to yeah, I hacked Howard’s account. Wasn’t even that hard, guy’s work is completely overrated,” he says, shaking his head. ‘Best in the world’ this, ‘greatest inventor’ that- the man can’t even build a system to keep a seven hundred year old vampire out, how damn good can he possibly be?

Tony runs off and Rhodey sighs, looking over to the groceries he’s left on the ground. He waits a few moments but he can hear Tony rummaging around in his room so he rolls his eyes and goes to clean up the mess because clearly Tony isn’t going to do it and there’s milk. Rhodey hates the smell of sour milk.

*

Tony thought Rhodey was bullshitting but he’s a fucking genius. Literally, Tony is sure, because he can keep up with Tony just fine- he understands the concepts he lays out, solves the math he hands over easily, and has no problem solving Tony’s old engineering problems. One of which Tony didn’t even have a solution to yet. 

“Humans really need to learn the value of not overdramatizing everything,” Rhodey tells him, shaking his head.

“I’m not- you’re an actual fucking genius,” he says. “No one else can solve these problems.”

Rhodey gives him a  _look_ , “they’re teaching this stuff in school, Tony.”

In universities, yeah, he knows because he’d graduated from his PhD program at MIT just before Rhodey snatched him. But Rhodey, it seems, has no genuine clue what the fuck he’s looking at just like any other human thing so Tony decides to prove a point. He walks over to the front door and Rhodey shifts to protest despite, Tony learned after trying to fry him with the sun once, not having any extremely adverse reactions to the sun. Vampires are just light sensitive and get sore eyes. Which isn’t even vampire specific- Tony gets sore eyes in the sun sometimes too.

He opens the door and sticks his head out. They have a few close neighbors though Rhodey did intentionally choose a house that was on the edge of town. He spots a neighbor at home and makes his way out and thankfully Rhodey trails out after him. “Hey!” he yells to his neighbor. Clint- guy has cute kids. “Do me a favor and do this math,” he says, handing over a sheet of paper.

Clint takes it from him once he gets close enough and frowns. “What the fuck are these symbols? You sure this is even math?” he asks.

“Yeah- took a course in MIT. Rhodey thinks its simple,” he says, turning to Rhodey and fucking  _praying_  he chooses to socialize. Clint has commented on his anti-social behavior more than once. He wonders why Tony always shows up to barbecues but Rhodey never comes with him. Laura used to think it was due to relationship problems and that’s when Tony invented Rhodey’s PTSD and soldier background- people will forgive just about anything if they think you’ve been dropped in a war zone. Which, he supposes, is technically true of Rhodey though he’d apparently went around eating the leftovers, not caring that people were being blown up left and right.

“You went to MIT?” Clint asks, shocked. Right, he hadn’t mentioned that.

He shrugs, “a long time ago,” he says even though it wasn’t that long. Feels like a lifetime, though.

“He had um, family issues. Had to drop out,” Rhodey explains and sure, being kidnapped right after graduation is one way to put that.

Clint raises an eyebrow, “well shit, you know anything about tractors? Because I have a few that need some tuning and I’m not very good with the mechanics,” he says. “Also if you think this shit is simple you’re either really smart or dead stupid,” Clint says to Rhodey, handing the math back to Tony.

He grins, “yeah I know tractors,” he says. Barely, but he’s a fast learner.

*

Rhodey is going to kill Tony, potentially literally, when they get home because he is stuck in a barn with humans and they have little humans and he doesn’t like a single one but Tony. And he’s got his ass in the air and his head in a tractor. “You’re not very social,” Laura, Rhodey has gleaned thanks to previous interactions, says.

“I don’t like humans,” he says and realizes how weird that must sound to humans. Tony always calls humans people. Well, guess he’s going to get staked because Tony wanted to prove the humans that live here are idiots who can’t do math.

“That happen after the war?” she asks sympathetically and Rhodey almost answers that no, he’s hated humans long before any war he’s witnessed but then he remembers Tony’s stupid soldier backstory.

“Mostly,” he says, allowing her to comfort herself in her deluded thinking. He gives Tony’s ass a look because someone needs to save him and his face needs to make a reappearance so he can properly convey that this is a situation he needs escape from.

“Don’t tell Clint, but your Tony has a rather nice ass,” she says, totally misinterpreting his look and are all humans this damn stupid? No, no this is good, its better than assuming he’s a vampire. He can use this.

Rhodey looks back over to get a proper assessment because he’s never really considered it before but he does actually have a nice ass. Hmm. “Yeah, he’s pretty cute. Smart too, probably too much for his own good, he’s always getting into something and trying to get him to eat healthy is like herding cats into a bath.” Herding cats, not so hard if you’ve got a bit of meat. Herding cats into water? Not going to happen and Tony will do everything he can to avoid his broccoli, which Rhodey has been reliably informed is good for humans.

Laura sighs, “Clint too- he acts like peppers will kill him,” she says, rolling her eyes.

“First time I handed Tony a salad he asked if I was trying to kill him. What even  _is_  that? Its healthy and he whined for  _weeks_  that I fed him lettuce and then acted like McDonalds was a solution. Seriously?” As if the  _salad_  was the bad option here, Rhodey can smell how nasty those fryers are but Tony will scarf down any nasty food he can get his hands on. A nice eggplant though? Thought Rhodey didn’t notice when he threw it out. Jokes on him he pulled it from the trash and made him eat it anyway and then the little bastard had the nerve to  _like_  it.

“Men, I don’t know what it is,” Laura says, pauses and seems to consider that Rhodey is also a man. “No offense,” she adds but Rhodey shrugs.

“I mean you’re not wrong, women- they eat healthier but men insist on eating a bunch of bacon and whatever.” Its a casual observation he’s made of humans and he doesn’t get why that is, the eating thing. He would assume that all humans would want to eat healthy but it seems that only approximately half of them do. And he doesn’t understand that, but then humans are really into their pets and he doesn’t understand  _that_  either.

“Did I just hear you say you don’t like bacon?” Clint asks from across the room and  _great_ , he’s one of those zealous bacon lovers and now he has to think fast. What kind of human doesn’t like bacon? Tony loves bacon and Rhodey refuses to let him eat it too often because it makes him salty. Literally.

The answer hits him and he hopes not too much time has passed. “I’m a vegetarian,” he says, prompting Tony to burst out laughing because he’s a fucking asshole.

“Oh yeah, does not care for the usual animal products,” he says, snickering to himself like he’s got information they don’t. Which is true, he supposes, given that Clint and Laura are quite unlikely to enjoy consuming human blood like he does.

*

Rhodey hates human contact, Tony knows, because he’s managed to rope him into being social three whole times now- under the guise of trying to deal with his PTSD and mild agoraphobia if his neighbors ask. “Feedback is in and you’re fucking awful with people,” he tells Rhodey as he walks in the door.

He glares at Tony over the edge of the couch and refuses to speak to him probably because the last time he had to interact with people he also had to interact with children and Rhodey especially dislikes kids. “Stop looking at me like that. Extra feedback is in: people think, and this is a quote, that ‘he only seems human when he talks about you.’ Step up your damn game, you can’t just talk about me all the time,” Tony tells him. If they’re going to live here they should blend in a little and he’s tired of pulling all the weight.

“How’d you explain Natasha?” he asks.

“She’s your sister,” Tony tells him and Rhodey squints real hard at that and Tony gives him a look.

“What? She’s adopted, obviously given that her skin tone is fucking paper and yours is clearly not.” ‘Course some people still make the assumption that Rhodey is the adopted one but no, in his invented backstory Natasha is the adopted one. Mostly because he decided to fake marry Rhodey and he would rather be related to him than Natasha so.

“Why would you make up all these crazy details to our lives? I’m never going to remember all this shit and we were getting by just fine before you decided to screw things up,” Rhodey says, shaking his head.

“Average time in any given town before this one,” he says. “Go.”

Rhodey squints, “what?”

“Name the average amount of time you spent in any given town before humans got suspicious before you had me around.”

He can see that Rhodey considers not answering him but wisely knows that Tony is bad at taking no for an answer in situations like this. “Roughly a year, humans are nosey.” 

Eureka, Tony is right. “You want to know why you lasted longer than eight months? I got cornered in the grocery store by a ‘concerned citizen’ wondering if I was alright because no one sees us much and you stalk the night like a vampire. Her words. So I made some shit up, told her I was fine, and made an effort to go into town more and make friends. People stopped asking questions when we didn’t seem so separate from things.”

“And what happens when we leave, Tony? Because we’ll need to. And probably soon if people are committing hate crimes,” he says.

Yeah, that’d actually been a long time coming but Brian is something of an outsider. Tony thinks that’s weird for a small town, but he’s never lived in any one other than this one so he actually has no real comparison. Maybe all small towns are like this, who knows. But no one likes Brian and whether or not anyone holds the same beliefs is somewhat irrelevant now. People like him more than they like homophobia or racism- he knows he’s charming enough to override that sort of thing anyways. Always has been. Obi used to tell him he could charm the skin off a snake.

“Won’t happen again, people were appalled by him and half the town is currently shunning him now pull some damn charm out of your vampire ass and at least make an effort to live a little,” he says.

“I’m dead, Tony. I have no will to ‘live’.”

He considers that for a long moment, wondering how serious Rhodey is about that. Not wanting to live. “Well I don’t care whether or not you want to live, I’m tired of your shitty survival skills so we’re going to have a decent time in this town for another couple years, and then we’ll move on before anyone notices you don’t age. And then we’ll have a nice few years there too, eventually I’ll be old enough to claim you’re my adopted kid, and then I’ll die and you’ll replace me with someone who’s hopefully as useful as I am in making you seem not like a vampire,” he says. God help Rhodey, Tony doesn’t know how he’s lasted this long without him.

Rhodey frowns and Tony is ready to fight him on the plan when he says something surprising. “Tony, you’re not going to age. I’ll just turn you when you get old enough that you start to wrinkle a little. Best age to be a vampire- young enough to not look like a raisin, old enough to not struggle to be seen as an adult.”

He’s old enough to not struggle to be seen as an adult now, but still. “What do you mean?” he asks.

“What I said- once you get a little wrinkly I’ll turn you. We’ll have to find someone new but that’s alright, I’ll teach you what to look for,” he says like he’s had this mapped out for some time.

“When’d you decide this?” Because this isn't normal for vampires. Natasha has killed most of her versions of him minus one and Bucky... is interesting. Bit kooky, but generally nice. Tony doesn’t know how he survived Natasha’s cold heartedness and god knows how he continues to weather it. Rhodey might be cold, but he’s not a Siberian winter type of cold.

Rhodey shrugs, “shortly after collecting you.”

Shortly after? “What, in my withdrawals stage?” Because he hadn’t been much pleasant to be around but Rhodey nods.

“Dealt with a lot of addicts, you’re an unusual one. And you have a low relapse rate- very unusual. And, I guess, you’ve been protecting me without my knowing it.”

Yeah, well someone had to make him seem like a human and he sure as hell wasn't managing on his own. “I’m saving my own ass too, I don’t want people asking questions and I’m lucky no one has pointed out I always wear high collared shirts.” Its unusual to do so for the entirety of the summer, though he does tend to avoid being outside at all during the season and is generally only seen at night. He’s told people he can’t handle the heat well, which would usually beg the question of why he’d wear high necklines but thankfully no one has said anything about it thus far. Thank god because Rhodey generally bites every other day, sometimes a little less, so the bruises are constant. They heal faster thanks to him feeding Tony a bit of his blood, which, nasty, but a guy has to do what a guy has to do.

“You aren’t saving yourself, you know I’d just move if people got too nosey. And frankly you could have just run off, you know I don’t do much to chase after you,” Rhodey points out. Not true, he goes after Tony every time he takes off for too long but its a lot easier for a vampire to find a human than it is for a human to escape a vampire even with modern technology.

“What’s the point of leaving? What am I supposed to go back to? My shitty father, my addictions, and a life I found generally unfulfilling? As fucked up as it is this is better than anything I ever had before.” At least Rhodey puts more value in him than Howard ever did and until recently he thought Rhodey thought of him as a damn plant or a pet. Turns out his feelings are more complicated than that, but still. He does miss inventing and engineering though, even if he’s taken up regularly tending to Clint’s tractors. The kids like him too and he’s always been fond of the little buggars. 

Rhodey considers this for a moment. “And why bother trying to cover my ass? We could have just moved,” he points out.

Tony rolls his eyes, “I am not moving every five minutes because you can’t get your shit together. Packing and unpacking is exhausting and you have a lot of useless shit.” Tony doesn’t even know what half of it is, but he knows Rhodey gets real pissed off if he goes rooting around in the papyrus scrolls.

“Those are valuable items, Tony, you can’t just go playing around with them!” Rhodey probably thinks it’s a good defense. It isn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


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